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Spicy & Funny Best Man Speech Template

Spicy & Funny Best Man Speech Template

Use this cheeky and funny Best Man speech template to perfect your performance for the big day. It’s just cheeky enough to be funny but without going too far.

Jump to the good bits

Funny best man speech template

Speech details

Speech duration: 10 – 12 minutes

Speech style: Medium, spicy and hilarious

Note: This funny Best Man speech template uses the name ‘Tom’ for the Groom, Sarah for the Bride, ‘Ben’ for the Best Man and other example names. Insert the names for your group as needed.

Your funny Best Man speech template

1. Opening and introduce yourself 

Good evening everyone, I’m sure you’ll all admit this has turned out to be a brilliant wedding celebration, yet every silver-lining does have a cloud, and that is, that you’ve now got to listen to me, unfortunately. 

I have put a lot of thought into this speech and I think the most important thing is timing. How do I get the timing right when I have so much ammunition against Tom? Well, a wise man once told me that you should never publicly speak for longer that you can last in the bedroom. So I’m sure my wife Susan will tell you that this speech should have been over 5 seconds ago. 

I suppose I should introduce myself properly. I’m Ben, Tom’s best friend. I’m absolutely honoured to be chosen to be best man, and I was quite surprised when I was asked actually. Not as surprised as Dave and Chris (Groomsmen) were though. But I’m sure Dave was glad he didn’t have to lift a finger, and it meant Chris could start drinking at our breakfast this morning. So, every cloud.

2. Wedding procession observations and give thanks 

Before I undertake the customary duty of giving Tom an uncomfortable few minutes, I would like to say a few thank-yous first. The lovely Bridesmaids, Alison, Niamh, and Nicola. The very glamourous mothers Mary and Jackie. They all look wonderful and have done an excellent job today. Indeed they are only eclipsed by Sarah herself, who, I’m sure you’ll all agree, looks absolutely stunning. 

There is an unwritten rule of wedding etiquette that states that nobody should look more handsome than the groom and I’d like to thank the Groomsmen Liam and John for sticking to that rule to the letter. 

It is really great to see everyone here today, I know it was a long way to travel for some, but we genuinely appreciate it. It just goes to show how just much everyone cares about Tom and Sarah and just how far Andrew Brown will travel for a free meal. 

It was a lovely service, and I know that there was a lot of preparation put into making this a magical day so thank you to everyone involved. 

3. A few words about the Groom (and you) 

So where do I start with Tom? Well for starters he’s… handsome. witty, intelligent. He’s Char… Charm…. Sorry… Tom …. I’m having trouble reading your handwriting, what does that say?

Tom has been known let tell people that his sporting prowess was legendary. In fact, his club contacted me personally to wish him all the best and to say that he made a major contribution to the team..… by retiring two years ago. 

Tom and I have been best friends for a long time now and it’s safe to say that we have been through a lot together. We were always very competitive growing up and have had our fair share of heated arguments. One occasion may have resulted in me pushing Tom off his bike into a lake. 

But don’t worry, Tom did get his revenge. We were out playing in the back garden and I think we were making a tent with a sheet held with big cavity blocks holding it in place on top of a wall. Tom told me to sit inside while he adds the final blocks. Suddenly one came smashing down on me splitting my head open. I was roaring crying, then he started crying realising what he’d done. But he did apologise to me, the next day, as soon as he got into work he emailed me saying sorry about yesterday, no hard feelings.

 Apart from when Liverpool won the league, I know this is the happiest day of your life, and so it should be, for you have just married a most beautiful lady. Sarah is a lovely person, she’s smart, she’s funny, she’s warm, loving and caring. She deserves a great husband and we all know very well she has found one in you. 

4. A few words about the Bride 

This speech isn’t all about Tom I have actually known Sarah for almost as long as I have known Tom. It’s not often the Best Man is also close friends with the Bride. Not that close Tom, don’t worry.  

Sarah is one of the nicest and kindest people you will ever meet. She is also a bit of a control freak. Luckily Tom is really lazy so they are a perfect match. I can tell you that Sarah almost single-handedly organised the whole Wedding day. Can we get a round of applause for her?  It was all very stressful for her. There were problems with the cake, the initial priest, the hair and make-up… There was one point when I thought that the only white Sarah would be wearing today was a straight jacket! But fortunately, it is this lovely dress she has on here today.

5. The Bride and Groom together

It’s great to see Tom and Sarah finally tying the knot, I think they ran out of countries to travel to. And that’s actually a good omen for married life. If they have travelled all around the world together and have managed not to kill each other yet, then married life will be a breeze. 

6. Your gift and messages from well wishers 

(Read out any messages and/or present your gift). 

7. Final words and toast

A wise man once told me that ‘true love is the soul’s recognition of its counterpoint in another’. And, I genuinely believe that Tom found that…when he bought his first full-length mirror. But even the love he has for his own reflection pales in significance compared to the love he has for Sarah. And I think that was very clear for everyone to see today when they were up on the altar. 

Tom’s father mentioned earlier about the traumatic day when Tom lost his best friend and favourite teddy bear ‘Buttons’ in the freezer in the local supermarket. Tom was inconsolable. I met Tom shortly after this harrowing event and I immediately felt like it was my job to replace Buttons as his new best friend. 20 years later it’s safe to say Tom doesn’t need me anymore. Sarah, I wish you well in your role as Tom’s new best friend, I can see he is in safe hands. I may be in the cold now, but at least I didn’t end up in the freezer.

All joking aside, it’s a wonderful honour being Best Man today as Tom is a very special person to me. He is a true friend who never ceases to amaze me with his kindness. He has listened to me through many a crisis and gives without any thought of reward. He is a super guy and a role model of a friend. I’d like to raise a toast with a quote:

  • ‘May your love be modern enough to survive the times… and old fashioned enough to last forever.’ 

Everyone, please raise your glasses, to Tom and Sarah… Mr and Mrs Smith! 

Get the Best Man Speech Guidebook

If you are thinking about your upcoming Best Man duties or need to draft your speech in a hurry you can check out the book the Best Man Speech Guidebook for even more tips and a full list of Best Man speech hacks. It contains the important do’s and don’ts in wedding speech etiquette, some great one-liners, visual gag options, but most importantly a clear speech structure and tried and tested speech templates.

The Best Man guide

For more advice and ideas for all of your Best Man duties, check out our Ultimate Best Man Guide page.

More Best Man speech advice

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